


The Misdeeds of the Hufflepuff Hats

by A_Smeethy, FriedChickenNisha, kingkongkitty, letgoofmygreggo, Lycanthrope, miilkteeth, VexedBeverage



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Hat Films - Fandom, Yogscast
Genre: Cults, Funny, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Multi, Pranks, Sad, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 17:51:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8219779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Smeethy/pseuds/A_Smeethy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriedChickenNisha/pseuds/FriedChickenNisha, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingkongkitty/pseuds/kingkongkitty, https://archiveofourown.org/users/letgoofmygreggo/pseuds/letgoofmygreggo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lycanthrope/pseuds/Lycanthrope, https://archiveofourown.org/users/miilkteeth/pseuds/miilkteeth, https://archiveofourown.org/users/VexedBeverage/pseuds/VexedBeverage
Summary: happ birth til you beautiful human bean!!!!compilation of the hat boys over their year at Hogwartsa giant last minute fic presented by the wheelie bin of shame (memeing it up yo)





	1. 1st Year

**Author's Note:**

> this be by Brooks just for u tilly

Max whimpered, low and long. Ross didn’t think the golden retriever puppy liked the way the train moved, a steady beat of the carriage gliding over the train tracks. Ross ran his hand over the thick fur at Max’s neck. “It’s okay.” He said.

The dog’s jitteriness wasn’t helped by the door to the compartment sliding open and a shorter boy practically skipping in, letting it slam behind him. “’Ello Sunshine.” The other boy said in a very deep and gravelly voice, adjusting his red rimmed glasses. “’Ow you doin’?”

“Erm.” Ross said not sure what to do with the stranger.

“Trott. Stop being a dick.” Another, taller boy said from the door. Managing to open it unnoticed by Ross.

“But Smith.” The first boy whined, his voice rising significantly in pitch, and stamping his feet.

“Stop being a dick.” The taller boy, Smith, repeated and stepped in to sit down. Reaching out to scratch behind Max’s ears without asking. “Nice dog.”

“Thanks.” Ross said slowly. “Can I… help you?” He asked slowly, raising an eyebrow.

The smaller dark haired boy, Trott, leant back on the bench, resting his arms out wide along the back. “Nope.” He said with a large toothy grin.

“Okay.” Ross said, his word slow again. “Then…”

Smith is quick to interrupt. “Why do you have a dog?”

“The letter.” Ross responds. “It said I could have a pet.”

“Yeah.” Smith said stretching out the word. “But not a dog.”

Ross reaches out and pulls the puppy a little closer against his leg. Guarded and protective. “I couldn’t help it.”

“I mean, who could.” Trott said. “Look at those big brown eyes.” His voice changes again as he quickly leans forward to hold the back of his hand out for Max to sniff. “Look at you.” He cooed. “So cute and fluffy.” Max strangely seemed to react to this. Licking the back of Trott’s hand.

“They’ll never let you keep him mate.” Smith said and Ross looks up sharply. Thinking that he needn’t have worried about making friends at school. Apparently he’d made some before even getting there.

“But.” Ross began, already sounding full of sobs. “They have to.”

Trott looks back towards Smith, a mischievous grin across his face. He looks back towards Ross. Already decided. “We’ll help you.”

\---------------

The three boys managed to somehow smuggle the small puppy down to their dormitory without Max being seen. With the help of Smith’s robes being two sizes too big for him. Smith had never before been happy that his parents planned ahead for his many growth spurts.

Trott randomly barking and whining all the way thought the meal had helped some. Even if it had got him a few odd looks.

Smith was gentle as he lowered the small pooch out from under his robes and handed the sleeping ball of fur over to Ross. “That boy, is to cute.”

“I know.” Ross exclaimed pulling the puppy close to his chest.

All three boys stiffen as the door begins to creak open. Having just a split second to look at each other and Ross moves quickly to rest Max down under his bed. Smith pushes the blankets down onto the floor to cover him and Trott begins to bark in the back of his throat on reflex.

By the time the door opens and other students begin to file in. All three were leaning against the four poster bed in various strange poses. Smith, casually sitting on the bed. Using subtle movements of his feet to move the covers on the floor into a pile. Ross leaning his side against a post and inspecting his nails. Trott, sat at the trunk at the foot of Ross’ bed. Barking and whining randomly, partially to cover up any noise Max might make and – The other boys suspected – Partially because he liked it.

Apart from a few odd looks, mostly in Trott’s direction, nobody pays them any more attention. Which they had to admit was probably because of Trott, if they were honest.

They all breathe a deep sigh of relief and Smith turns to his new found friends. “We did it guys. Just another seven years to go.”

Trott’s smile was full of teeth. “Sound like fun.”


	2. 2nd Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Til!!!!! Hope you have a great day! sends all that cake  
> also #bringbackforkliftnips - Meg

“Ross, I need your help.” Trott burst into the dorm room, hair a mess, glasses askew.

Ross looked up at him with concern. “What have you done this time?”

“Well, you know what we were doing in transfiguration?”

“Yeah?” Ross nodded cautiously, wondering what Trott had managed to fuck up this time. Although he and Smith were usually regarded the troublemakers, Trott would dissect spells meticulous and rewrite them to suit him, usually ending up in something going drastically wrong.

“Um, “ Trott twisted his wand between his fingers, eyes cast to the ground in embarrassment. “I’ve-got-an-ostrich-stuffed-in-a-cupboard.”

Ross threw his charms homework onto the bed, standing and looking at Trott with disbelief. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.” Trott looked at him shamefacedly. “Eric’s lovely and I really didn’t want to turn him back into a clock.”

“Eric?” Ross couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face at the name. “You have an ostrich, and you’re gonna call him fucking Eric?”

“Shut up, wolf boy.” Trott glared at him, tucking his wand away as he spoke. “Come help me with him.”

“And why would I do that?” Ross sighed. “Just turn him back mate.”

“Ross, I swear to god-look, you owe me one.” Trott looked at him pleadingly. “Help me with this and I’ll sneak more food out of the kitchens for you.”

“Promise?” Ross loved the magical food he could get at Hogwarts after growing up with muggles his whole life, and even after a year in the magical world he was still enchanted by pumpkin pasties.

Trott gave a minuscule nod.

“Ok, I want some pumpkin pasties and butter beer and maybe some treacle tart. Oh, and how about some-“

Trott cut through him, impatience in his voice. “Look, you can write me a list later. But for now we need to grab Eric.”

“Where is he anyway?”

“In the astronomy tower.”

“Why the fuck did you think the astronomy tower was a good place for an ostrich?” Ross looked at him like he was mad.

“No one goes there! It made sense at the time.” Trott shrugged. “Look, we’ll need to grab Smith first.”

“Why?”

“Two distractions, aka both of you while I run Eric through.”

“And how do you plan to do that?” It wasn’t like they could stuff the ostrich into a bag and hustle it through that way.

“Disillusionment Charm.” Trott gave Ross his infuriating smirk, the one he saved specifically for when he knew something the other boy didn’t. “Keep up sunshine, it’s not like Flitwick hasn’t been going on about it for the past two weeks.”

“Ok, so we’re gonna run ahead screaming or something?”

Trott nodded. “Yeah, something like that. We’ll figure it out when we get down there.”

-=-

“You can’t hide an ostrich in Hogwarts you fucking idiot!” Smith looked at the smaller boy in shock.

“I can try, you twat!” Trott glared back at him, holding his own.

“Of all the stupid-“ The ginger ran an exasperated hand through his hair. “You could’ve at least made a walrus!”

Trott pointed an accusatory finger at Smith. “It would have stabbed itself when it looked down! It’d be fishy seppuku.” He turned, taking a deep breath to steady himself before forcing his voice down to it’s usual, calmer register. “Look, at least I didn’t make a penguin, ok!”

Smith looked at him in disbelief. “At least you can shove a penguin in a cupboard! How the hell are we going to hide a fucking ostrich? Max was bad enough!”

-=-

“Here he is guys!” Trott lead the two boys into the astronomy tower and opened the cupboard he’s stuffed Eric into. The ostrich jumped out eagerly, feathers a little ruffled, and immediately proceeded to bite Smith

“Oi you little shit!” Smith flipped the bird off, rubbing his opposite shoulder as he did so, hoping the bite wouldn’t bruise too much.

“So, this is Eric. Isn’t he lovely.” Trott gave the bird a hug, missing the glances Smith and Ross gave each other over his head.

-=-

The two boys walked through the halls of Hogwarts with an easy, assertive confidence, shouting a warning to anyone they saw. 

“Clear the way!” Smith shouted at a gaggle of first years who were gathered in the entrance hall of Hogwarts, stood right in front of the passage to the Hufflepuff common room.

Ross nodded in agreement, as the students started to scatter. “There’s a stink cloud back there. It’s heading this way!”

“We’re giving you fair warning to clear off before it hits.” Smith gestured behind him, and had to hide a chuckle at the look of panic that swept across several of their faces.

A cloud of bright green smoke was billowing down the hall, bringing a strong, sulphurous scent with it, making anyone who hadn’t heeded their warning gag and retch with the stench.

Behind them was an occasion yelp of pain, masked by their yells, from Trott who was walking between the two of them. A thin piece of rope could just about be made out by anyone who was paying attention to the space behind the short, bespectacled brunette. Even further behind him was a quiet squawking, the ostrich’s form completely invisible thanks to the charm Trott had cast.

It took them a while, but eventually they managed to get Eric up to Trott’s dorm room without arousing too much suspicion from the other Hufflepuffs. And if a rumor started a few weeks later about dorm 4-b being haunted by the ghost of an ostrich, that was just a coincidence.

-=-

“It’s for the best Trott.” Ross rubbed his shoulder comfortingly, trying to ignore the tears trickling down the brunettes face.

“Yeah, it’s either the forest or McGonagall kills all of us.” Smith chipped in, rubbing Trott’s other shoulder with one hand and untying Eric’s lead with the other.

“I know, but it doesn’t make it any easier.” Trott sniffed, wiping a tear away and looking at Eric with adoration and love in his eyes.

Smith scoffed in disbelief. “Trott, you’ve been bitten by Eric more than anyone else. How do you still like him?”

“They’re affectionate nibbles!” Trott glared at the taller boy before walking up to Eric and burying his face in the ostrich’s feathers, giving him a final hug goodbye.

Ross pulled him away after a minute or two. “Ok, it’s time Trott.”

“Bye bye little guy.” Trott waved at the ostrich as Eric walked into the Forbidden forest, “I’ll come and visit, promise.”

“I’m not going to.” Smith muttered to Ross, yelping when the shorter man whacked him, before the three of them made their way back up to their common room.


	3. 3rd Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love ya m88 - Smith

Bludger after Bludger, swing after swing, Ross just couldn’t land a hit with his beater’s bat, let alone a clean one, he bit back an expletive before Patty edged up beside him, “Hornby. If you can’t hit a Bludger with your feet planted on the ground, how will you fare on a broom?”

Her words seared in Ross’ mind like a brand, why wasn’t he good enough? How hard could it possibly be to hit a ball with a bat? Useless. Useless. Useless. He repeated the word under his breath as he paced the sandy bricked corridor, he didn’t even know where he was, he just needed somewhere to hide, somewhere he could be a waste away from everyone, away from Smith and Trott. The thought of the look on their faces and the disappointment in their voices brought forth tears, clinging to his eyelashes before dripping down his yellow-trimmed jumper.

The sound of creaking metal dragged his gaze away from his feet and up to the wall on his left, where ornate steel wove itself around dark oak in many a spiral, it was nearly fifteen, maybe twenty feet high, Ross found it almost hypnotic. Clunk. Eyes wide, he staggered over and pushed against the heavy oak door, grunting with the effort, but grinning once he heard it creak as it moved under his weight.

A cold breeze flowed past him as the door eased open, heaving further he stumbled onto uneven concrete, striped diagonally with yellow paint. To his left, an empty kiosk, flaky red painted bars across the empty window, and darkness beyond from the unlit room. To his right, the concrete path continued onto a covered terrace lined with rails, painted in the same red as the bars, some flaking to reveal a blue shade underneath. The David Longhurst stand was completely empty, a sight Ross had not seen before now, and one he would normally find intimidating, but in the solace he found a strange sense of comfort. Gazing across the pitch towards each stand, Family, Shipton Road and Pop, all were void of people despite the floodlights still shining.

Clambering over the black fence, nearly tripping on one of the bins, Ross’ feet met the grass of Bootham Crescent for the first time in years, and a slight smile broke out on his face despite the tears moistening his cheeks. Strolling over to the dugouts near the halfway line, tears flooded back yet again, memories of playing for his school team in the cup final, his dad cheering the loudest in the Family Stand. Sometimes he found himself wishing that he’d never got the owl from Hogwarts, that he’d just been another boy mad about football. He couldn’t talk to his parents about Hogwarts, after all, they were muggles. Sitting on the bench with his head in his hands once again, he lost himself in thoughts.

“Ross? You in here mate?” A voice called out, cracking slightly, “You can’t hide from us, you twat”.

“I’m here.” Ross answered, a tad harsher sounding than he intended.

Emerging from around the corner of the stand were the two boys who Ross had to thank for most things during his time at Hogwarts, one running a hand through his auburn hair, and the other adjusting his brown fringe and wiping his glasses, which had steamed up slightly. Smith and Trott sat on the wooden bench and wrapped their arms around him, the smaller of the two men leaning into Ross’ robe slightly.

“We heard from Pat you didn’t make the team, sorry, mate.” Trott mumbled, a few tears dripping onto Ross’ sleeve. More of his own followed, and Ross leant back against the plastic shelter before unloading all of his thoughts onto the others.

“An-And I fucked it up! I let you down an-” Ross continued, shallow breaths interrupting every other word.

“Ross.” Smith said sternly, “You seriously think we’d be disappointed in you? We love you, you twat, not getting onto a quidditch team won’t change that.” His head dropped into his hands, and tears began to cascade onto the sleeve of his own robe. Regaining himself slightly, the auburn haired boy looked up at Ross, “Just please, don’t ever call yourself a disappointment. Now come on, let’s get to Madam Pomfrey, she should probably hear about this.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

The trio sat on one of the spare beds in the hospital wing, sniffling in front of a concerned Poppy Pomfrey, discussing Ross’ meltdown, a charm placed on the curtains around the beds ensured none other than them would be able to hear.

“Hornby, these two are the ones you can confide in, you needn't hide yourself from them, it’s not good for you.” Madam Pomfrey said with the same air as a concerned mother, before adding, “or them, for that matter.”

Ross nodded, “Sorry Madam, it’s just-”

“I know, deary. I know.” She cut him off, but not harshly. 

As she stood up, joints cracking slightly from being nearly kneeled next to Ross, Trott spoke up again, “Wait, before you go, there’s some other problems we’ve been having, all of us.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “Some of the other students aren’t exactly… well, fond, of how we are, you know?”

Easing down onto her knees again, this time next to Trott, “Ignore the others. Yes your relationship may not be what is taught as the ‘norm’, but that’s not important, the three of you are happy as you are. Bugger them.” She sighed as she rose once more, “It never completely stops, but it does get easier.”


	4. 4th Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this b by nish she says happy birthday yo

Smith rounded the corner, breathless. He paused for a moment, leaning against the wall to catch his breath. He had broken into Filch's office looking for the Dungbombs that had been confiscated earlier that week and found a suspicious looking piece of parchment in the drawer labeled ‘confiscated and highly dangerous’.

He look down at the blank piece of parchment in his hands. “This better be fucking worth it,” he whispered to himself, before he took off down the corridor, shoving it into his back pocket.

Sprinting down the corridors he skidded to a stop when he spotted a black figure crawling towards him. 

“Stupid cat.”

Filch was not far behind him, so Smith knew that he couldn’t turn around and go in the other direction to avoid Mrs Norris. Looking around he saw an unused classroom that he could duck into to hide before Filch found him and take the paper that he had stolen away from him.

Darting into the nearby classroom, his eyes searched around the room, looking for a place that he could hide, so even if Filch and his cat came into the room he would be safe from discovery. His eyes fell on a cupboard, partially covered by a black sheet. Smith quickly pulled the sheet over the cupboard so that it was almost completely covering it, and clambered into the closet, closing the doors behind him.

And now he waited.

\-----

The three boys sat crowded around a piece of parchment, huddled together with the door to their room closed and Max lounged on Ross’ lap as he slowly stroked his hair through the dog's soft fur.

“What does it do?”

Smith responded to Ross’ question, his excitement clear within his voice. “I don’t know! But it was in Filch’s ‘confiscated and highly dangerous’ drawer, so it has to been good!”

“Smith?” It was clear that neither boy held the same excitement that Smith did over the parchment. “Even if it did do something, which I highly doubt it does, it has no instructions! How are we supposed to figure out what it does?”

“And did you get our Dungbombs back Smith? We need those for our prank that we have planned for next week?”

The silence from their partner, tells them all they needed to know. He hadn’t retrieved the Dungbombs like he was supposed to. Trott groaned. “Smith!” Picking up the parchment he continued on. “Now how are we supposed to get up to no good? Those dung bombs were just what we needed to-”

“Trott.”

The sound of Ross’ hesitant voice stopped Trott mid rant. “What?”

“The parchment-” Ross started.

“It’s got writing on it!” Smith’s excitement was back in full force. “See I told you this would be a good idea!” Taking the parchment out of Trott’s hands, he read out the words as they wrote onto the parchment. “Mr Moony would like the remind you that you must solemnly swear.” Smith looked up from the parchment in his hand, confusion written all over his face. “Solemnly swear what?”

Ross paused his stroking of Max to reach over his bed and take the parchment from Smith. “I solemnly swear.” Holding it in two hands, his eyes search the parchment for any more clues that it might want to give them. “Mr Prongs would like to remind the boys that they need to state what they are up too.” Looking over to Trott, he hands him the parchment. “You held it first to get it to write to us, you try.”

Trott, however, only look worried. “We really shouldn’t be messing with enchanted items like these, guys. Who knows what it could do to us!” He looked over to Smith, the only other person that had known about magic during the Wizarding War. “Didn’t your parents teach you not to mess around with these things, Smith?”

Smith’s face turned dark. “Well seeing as they were messing around with the dark objects themselves, no Trott, no they didn’t.” He sighed before continuing. “I’m sorry Trott, I know that you shouldn’t really mess around with enchanted objects, but not all enchanted objects are bad you know. I mean, look at the entrance to our common room!”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry, Smith. It’s just that it makes me nervous that this was in a drawer marked ‘dangerous’ and the War only finished 5 years ago.” He sighed and they boys shuffled around on the bed so that Trott could place his head on Smith’s lap without any words needing to be exchanged. Holding the parchment in front of his face, he directs his question towards his two friends. “What was I saying when the words started to appear on the parchment?”

Ross hesitantly speaks up. The war was still so new to him, and being a muggle-born, it always surprised him when they spoke of the war, it wasn’t the World War the he was more familiar with. “You were saying something about the prank we were planning?”

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

\-----

Upon the discovery that it was a map that they had found, they spent the afternoon studying the map and found that the school not only had many more secret passages ways than what they had been previously aware of, but also had many secret entrances that could be used to sneak into Hogsmeade.

Because Smith was the one to get the dung bombs confiscated in the first place, and then when sent to retrieve said dung bombs, instead came back with a piece of parchment, Trott and Ross decided that Smith should be the one to use the secret passage way to go into Hogsmeade and buy some more so that their prank could go ahead later that week.

They kept the map for a few more weeks, using it to assist them with their pranking, however, Trott was still concerned about the map and it being an enchanted object, and Smith begrudgingly return the map, wiped clean, back to the ‘confiscated and highly dangerous’ items drawer in Filch’s office, where it remained until the Weasley Twins stole the map and used it themselves for their own mischief.


	5. 5th Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ross is love ross is life all hail the hand of truth - Han

Ross, Trott and Smith walked side by side down the corridor towards their first lesson of the day. As usual the trio was running late but they made no effort to quicken their pace.

“I still can’t believe you got prefect mate! Like seriously, with all of the shit we have done over the years I’m surprised we haven’t been expelled.”

Smith flung his arm around Ross’ shoulders, grinning at his boyfriend as he patted him on the chest.

“That is because I always clean up our messes, Smith.” 

Trott deadpans from Ross’ otherside, slightly annoyed at the other boy for doubting Ross.

“Right, cause you were definitely the one who dealt with the whole ‘Eric thing’.”

“Hey! Don’t you start! The number of times I’ve had to clean up a mess YOU have made.”

Trott glared at Smith, but a glint in his eye let on that he wasn’t being too serious. 

“Trott, we both know I was the one who got us out of most of our messes.”

Ross rolled his eyes and smiled at his two boyfriends. 

“Which is why you were an obvious choice for prefect. That and I swear all of the teachers like you, even snape seems to have a bit of a soft spot for you.”

Trott nudged Ross as he noticed the blush appear on the prefects face. 

“Thanks.”

Ross mumbled back, slightly embarrassed at the sincere compliment. 

“Anyway, this is cause for celebration! And nothing says ‘congrats on becoming prefect’ like a good prank.”

Smith snickered at his own idea, eager to get back to his pranking ways.

“Really Smith? A prank? Nothing …...well more?”

Trott looked at Smith questioning, expecting the boys smile to fall but instead watched as it grew.

“No just any prank Trott, the biggest prank we have ever pulled. Cause see, we have an influential hufflepuff senior in our lil trio now. One who all of the first years will look to for advice and guidance.”

Both Ross and Trott looked at Smith with confusion, Ross raising an eyebrow edging Smith to continue.

“Guys, let’s start a cult.”

  
  


“The hand of what?”

Smith sighed for the seventh time since addressing the hufflepuff first years in the common area with Trott and Ross. Seriously? What was so hard to understand about their plan.

“The hand of truth. Look just say how it is a sacred object that has been at Hogwarts since the founders that grants good fortune to those that worship it.” 

Most of the first years looked at each other, not completely sold on Smith’s idea so Ross took over.

“This is a great opportunity for you first years to pull a fast one on the other houses. Us hufflepuffs usually end up being the butt of the joke, but now we can be the only ones in on the joke.”

The first years started talking amongst themselves before one of them addressed Ross.

“What else do we have to do?”

All three older boys smiled, happy at the positive response.

“Tell them what Smith said and also mention how we three are some of the only older students that have earned the favour of the hand and can help those who follow the hands rules.”

Trott moved forward so he was standing beside Ross and continued.

“Rule #2 Don’t ask questions.”

Smith followed suit and listed another three rules.

“Rule #4 Always mumble your insults. Rule #16 Do the work for us. Rule #77 If it’s not legit, it is legit”

Ross smiled as he said the last rule.

“And rule #95 everything can be musical for the hand of truth.”

Chatter started up again in the common room, the boys not being able to make out any clear response from all of the noise. One boy stood in the middle of the group and faced the trio.

“May as well, I mean that you are a prefect.”

Smith grinned, his plan had worked perfectly!

“Right, let's get started shall we.”

 

A few weeks later and the trio were living the life. Their plan had worked better than expected and now nearly all of the first years believed in the hand of truth and were doing everything the three boys said. Which meant doing their laundry, cleaning their dorm, getting them food and multiple other tasks they would think of. They decided to celebrate their success and snuck out of their dorm late at night and into the room of requirement where Ross had created a beautiful marble room with cushions everywhere and a nice lit fire on the wall. Ross and Trott dived on the cushions as Smith brought a bottle of alcohol and three glasses out of his messenger bag. Grinning, Smith handed the glasses to his boyfriends and poured them all a glass. Taking his own from Trott, Smith joined the two boys on the cushions. He raised his glass and watched as the other two followed his lead.

“All hail the hand of truth!”

“All hail the hand of truth!” 

“All hail the hand of truth!” 


	6. 6th Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dis b by vex yoooooooo

Ross stormed into the common room and threw his bag down on the floor by one of the lopsided coffee tables before falling back into a worn armchair with a huff. 

“What’s crawled up his arse?” Smith asked, looking up at Trott from where he lay with his head in the smaller boys lap. 

Trott halted the hand that had been carding through Smith’s hair and craned his neck to look at the boy in question. Trott opened his mouth to ask him but was interrupted by a group of girls who barged into the common room and burst into fits of laugher once they laid eyes on Ross. 

“Fuck off!” Ross spat at them as the gaggle of excitable voices talked over each other, all the other two boys could discern was the occasional words and they all seemed to be revolving around a specific area of his friends body. Smith watched as Ross flushed red and pushed himself to his feet. “Don't fucking think for one second that I don’t know you two pricks started all of this!” He accused, marching towards the dorms. 

Smith snorted a laugh as the door slammed as Trott pushed at the larger man so he could stand. Trott shot the girls still lingering by the door a hard look that had a couple of them balking before he slid out of his seat to go after Ross. 

He found the dark haired man laying across his own and Smith’s bed where they had been pushed together against the back wall of the dorm, he was staring up at the ceiling where the three of them had stuck various keepsakes from over the years they had been friends. A strange mixture of muggle and magical pictures taking up most of the space, dispersed by cinema tickets, scraps of parchment with spells scrawled across them and little keepsakes that ranged from seashells to an old model train of the Hogwarts express. 

Without hesitation Trott crawled onto the bed and lay next to him. “What’s the matter, sunshine?” He asked. 

“It’s my birthday, and everyone’s talking about my dick.” Ross spat. “What do you think?” 

Trott had to suppress the laugh that was threatening to spill from his lips causing his voice to be slightly higher pitched than his usual deep timbre. “I heard that it’s so big that you get lightheaded when you get an erection.” Trott said, voice void of any kind of inflection. 

Ross barked a laugh. “I hate you both.” He tried to deadpan but the grin in his voice was obvious even without Trott looking at his face. 

“No you don't.” Trott stated simply. “You love us, and you are going to love us more later when we sneak out to celebrate the day of your birth with the proper ceremony that it deserves.” 

“Drink?” Ross guessed. 

“Of course.” Trott confirmed. “And some other stuff.” 

Ross turned his head to the side to look at Trott as he asked his next question. “Do I even want to know?” 

Trott grinned at him. “Probably not.” He answered.


	7. 7th Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birth till!!!!!! lov u xox - iz get them fresh memes

They weren’t entirely sure how it all started really. One moment a simple enchanted cushion was slid onto the 4th years’ chairs before they sat down, the next fireworks were exploding out of the Gryffindor common room in flashes of red and gold.

“Motherfuc-” one of the two identical gingers spurted out, narrowing his eyes at the bright sparkling lights that lingered outside the common room before being cut off by an older looking brother.

“George!” 

“Sorry Percy,” George rolled his eyes. “Oh and by the way, I’m Fred.”

The other twin snickered at this, high-fiving George as he walked past, making their way to their dorm to devise the next prank.

Weeks passed of scheming and collecting for what the two Weasley’s knew would be the prank of their lives. Various bits of knotgrass, fluxweed, boomslang skin, lacewings and hair off teachers’ robes.

“A bit from McGonagall,” Fred recounted.

“Very nice,” George remarked.

“A cheeky hair from Snape.”

“Lovely jubbly!”

“And the crown jewel,” Fred turned to his brother, a devilish smile across his face.

“What would that be then Fred?” George asked dramatically

“Well George, it’s a hair straight out of Dumbledore's beard!”

“That’s beautiful, in it goes to here.” 

The hair was taken out of Fred’s hand by his brother who let it drift into one of the mixtures, waving his wand to finish the potion. Each of the two brothers took three potions, hiding them under their cloaks in the subtlest way they could muster.

Dashing out of the common room onto the nearest set of stairs, the two boys talked about who to bring in on it. As the stairs started to move, Fred’s eyes locked onto a group of 7th years, chatting by the main entrance looking like they were on their way to Hogsmead. The twins immediately recognised the 4 of them as Ross Hornby, Chris Trott, Alex Smith and Kim Richards. The latter of which, appeared to be the butt of whatever joke the other 3 were making. 

“So fucking tiny, you’re like Trott’s dick!” Smith laughed. Off to the side Trott’s smiling face soon turned to an unimpressed one, rolling his head to look at Smith.

“Really?” he asked, his tone leading the twins to believe this wasn’t the first time this joke had been made.

Smith, Trott and Ross all walked off leaving Kim standing by the entrance on her own. The twins, seeing an opportunity to get a person in on their prank, sauntered up to her.

“Hey Kim,” they said in unison.

Fred began, mischievous grin on his face. “We couldn’t help but notice those pricks were having a go at you again-”

“-and we thought that we might be able to help you get your own back,” George finished, an identical grin spreading across his face.

“Alright, go on then,” Kim agreed, suspicion lacing her voice. 

“How do you feel about possibly-” George started, with an enthusiastic tone.

“-making out around school as teachers?” Fred finished quickly. 

“And how the hell are you going to convince the teachers to do that?” As Kim asked this, they each pulled out several vials of variously coloured potions from their pockets.

“Polyjuice potion, of course!” They both triumphantly exclaimed.

“We got Hannah in on it too, if you wanna,” George paused, winking and elbowing her shoulder, “buddy up?” At this, the twins tried, and failed, to stifle very filthy giggles.

Kim narrowed her eyes at the laughing pair, before letting out a very drawn out sigh in response, “Fine, I’ll do it!”

Over the course of the next week the twins composed a group of willing 6th and 7th years, each of whom had been in someway pranked or tricked by the trio who had been dubbed “The HATs”.

“Right,” George clapped his hands, standing in front of the group that they had assembled in the Room of Requirement.

“Who’s snogging who?” Fred chuckled, staring at the faces of the older kids who weren’t nearly as amused. “Ok, tough crowd. Bottoms up then?”

Each teenager in the crowd took a swig of their various potions. With a few minutes and more than a few crunching noises, they were all copies of different teachers around the school. There were some McGonagalls, some Snapes, the odd Trelawney and one or two Dumbledores.

Making sure everyone was aware of the plan once more, the twins went over it again. “So, you lot,” Fred ordered.

“Go hide around the Hats, we have an hour before the potion will wear off, so we’ll have to be fast.”

“Anywhere you can find them, if you need help we have a map so just give us a yell.”

“So, let’s go!”

The group of teachers ran from the room, ushered by Fred and George until they were all hidden around a corner, The Hats almost upon them.

The shrieks they let out at the sight of the clusterfuck of teachers snogging in the great hall was something they wished they’d been able to record and treasure for years to come.

“What the fuck!” Smith yelled at the sight of the couples. Out the corner of his eye he could see Snape and Dumbledore going at it by the trophy room, and he was sure Dumbledore was getting handsy... In the opposite corner there was Trelawney and Sprout grasping at each other, pulling each other closer, hands fisted in each other's robes.

“Okay, that’s slightly disturbing,” Ross stated, turning to his two friends, “Who’s slipped me some drugs?” 

“Slightly?!” Trott exclaimed, in shock at his boyfriend’s words, “There are teachers snogging and grasping at each others god-knows-whats in the hallway, and you only think that’s slightly disturbing?”

 

In the corner they could see the ginger Weasley twins wheezing, hands clapped on their knees as they cackled at their horrified expressions. 

“Right, lads.” Smith looked at the other two hats, mischief sparkling in his eyes. “I think someone’s waged a war they’re not going to win.”


End file.
